Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
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Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
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A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.