(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
*offers Batman cough drops*
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical