[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
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[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing