Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
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I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.