At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
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If you know, you know
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
She: I like Cats
He:
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.