*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
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[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
*swipes right on my hand mirror
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.