If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
When you’ve simply given up.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?