We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
You Might Also Like
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Plumber: I think I found the problem
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?