I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
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shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.