One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
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Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Not all heroes wear capes….
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm