Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
You Might Also Like
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
whatcha thinkin bout
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.