If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
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I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Real House Wines.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Lmbo
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.