i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Netflix and you sit over there.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
When you’re here for the treats.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once