I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
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I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
My favorite female superhero
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs