me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
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Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Happy Halloween 🎃
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?