When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.

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There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”


Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.


*writes on wall in ketchup*

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.


I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.


WAITER: Room for dessert?

[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]

ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.


The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.


words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic


COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening


Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.