When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
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12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.