My diet starts in January
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
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There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED
Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– space bar
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.