nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
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If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.