I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

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“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”


The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed


I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.


[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille


If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist


I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?


I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.


[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?