I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
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When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I have so many questions.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”