(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
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If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
so weird how every mom was born today
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.