[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
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‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”