i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
You Might Also Like
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING