If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
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If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.