A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
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[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.