I am also baked goods
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People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
I want this so bad
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Childbirth is so beautiful