interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
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McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
work smarter, not harder
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”