Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
You Might Also Like
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
*pronounces fake like saké*
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
oh good, now I can stop drinking
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.