Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
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I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve