SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
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Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Happens to everyone.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home