In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
You Might Also Like
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack