Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
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One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?