I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
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“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
mom had nothing to worry about
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!