My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
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Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.