The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
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[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
This could be us… but you playing
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.