The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
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Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
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A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did