Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
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how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman: