[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
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[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
good work, detective
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.