My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
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Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…