Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
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We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.