@Lisabug74

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

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@JasonLastname

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

@shayf_

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario

@PoodleSnarf

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

@dreamthievin

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

@Cheeseboy22

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

@gringothespice

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

@clemdytan

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

@atanenhaus

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

@RidiculousSheri

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.