My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

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Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.


What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario


Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”


I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial


Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.


Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.


I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!


“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate


He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.