My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
You Might Also Like
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days