My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
You Might Also Like
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.