I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
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Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Did my cat write this
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}