one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
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You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
me logging onto twitter
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
[montage of me giving-up]
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps