If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
You Might Also Like
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?