Werent we promised soylent green by now?
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SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
watergate? u mean a dam??
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.