watergate? u mean a dam??
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I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
God has left this place
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop