Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
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Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.