Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
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Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
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Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
i wish we could shoplift online
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.