Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.