When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
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Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
new record!
rise and shine we got egg
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
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