Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
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Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs