*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
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every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.