Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
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Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Love is in the air fryer.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide